beta_vulgaris

I've been in a pretty exciting learning mode for the past several months, thanks to a confluence of events that has me feeling more confident to explore interests on the topping end of things.

(I know, I am getting behind on Kinky November. It might end up being Kinky November-and-a-half... sorry.)

It would be convenient to say that I just... got into a relationship with a bottom and so it just fell into place that I had to start taking on a toppy role of some kind, but that isn't what happened. It's sort of what happened, but it's also something else entirely.

My approach to kink roles is inflected by my self-identity as a switch, and my fervent belief that being a bottom and/or a submissive is far from a passive role--it is an act and a mode of engagement that may contain stillness, and certainly involves trust and vulnerability. I started out mostly bottoming, with some careful exceptions, because I lacked technical proficiency enough to top, and, more insistently, I lacked confidence in myself enough to learn technique or manner.

Learning is a never-ending goal. I've been so fortunate to find people willing to help me practice as I try to get my technique up to speed, and who have given me heartfelt encouragement and praise for my small successes.

Part of it was saying 'fuck it' to my fears about being incapable or incompetent. Part of it was having partners ask me to top them, and other partners offer to teach me how. One partner has been a bottom for a long time but she and I are switching on-and-off with one another, her wife teaching us both, and learning from one another. Having experienced people interested and ready to help you learn and help you laugh when you fuck up terribly and turn into an actual kitten while trying to untangle some rope you're removing from them has been a huge help. This has been my path, and it's working so far for me as I learn rope and impact and rough body play and even some D/s.

I tend to think of psychological power dynamics and physical BDSM as different valences that run alongside one another. Not everyone uses this terminology, but it has been a useful distinction for me to think of M/s, D/s, psychological power exchange, dominance and submission as, roughly, domming and submitting. I think of more physical power exchanges like bondage, painplay, restraint, rough-housing, electricity, etc as topping and bottoming. Learning to dominate someone is much harder for me than learning to top them, and i have a lot of gender issues that are tied up in my feelings about dominance and submission that I don't necessarily have with topping or bottoming, so mostly I am concentrating lately on learning to top.

Learning to top was, for me, about taking steps to engage with the curiosity I feel about BDSM in general. It is, of course, perfectly reasonable and normal and, in my opinion, a good idea for bottoms to learn what goes into topping, without taking the role on for themselves. It's a good idea to know about anatomy and safety even if you never want to hold a flogger or piece of rope for yourself. I also tend to believe that it helps one find one's enjoyment of a scene if one can try to learn where the excitement and interest is for the other partner. Learning rope was and continues to be my main area of interest, because I've learned to love topping with rope for its own sake and not just for the curiosity of the bottom. Same goes for rough body play and impact, to a different degree.

In any case, I feel that learning to top has really helped with my confidence, and has opened up my kink practice to include more self-assured solo kink. I'm still trying to work on my presentation now that I'm becoming more practiced with the technique--there's a lot for me to learn about designing a scene, learning to use and guide emotional energy in the direction I want it to go, and projecting self-confidence with honesty. Topping is exciting and wonderful, and I'm really glad I've begun to explore it more seriously.